When the night doesn’t end. 

I can’t describe the heartbreak I feel tonight. I feel like I’m drowning in grief. When I try to sleep, I can’t. I think of things that hurt. What would she have looked like? Would she have had my daughter’s big doe shaped eyes? Or her brother’s slanted eyes? Would she have an angel’s kiss at the base of her neck like most of her siblings?? Would she have been an introvert like her oldest brother? Or an extrovert like “The Twins?” Would her tiny fingers wrap around my finger like the others did when they nursed? The torture is neverending. I can’t do anything except rock myself while praying and begging God. “Please. I KNOW you can do ALL things. Please save my baby.” Over and over I pray these same words. 

My head knows the truth. I have seen tons of sonograms. I know that my baby’s heart was not beating. How, as a mom, do I not beg God to intervene???? I KNOW theology. I KNOW God is able to perform miracles. I KNOW He is sovereign also. I KNOW He sees the whole picture while I only see a fraction. I KNOW He works all things together for good. I will trust Him. I do trust Him. For tonight, I grieve. And I beg. Please. Please, save my baby. 

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” Psalm 61:1-4

11 week appointment. 

I must admit that this will be raw. I can’t bring myself to put on a face. 

I originally had an appointment scheduled with the OB who delivered baby #5. They had to change my appointment to the new doctor in the practice (who I had not met) when the on call schedules changed. So, ever the lover of change (pretty much, no.) I decided to determine that I would like her. It was going to be a good appointment. I did the normal weight check, BP check, etc and then waited for the doctor. It was also time for my annual exam so we chatted as she did the exam. 

Then, she said, “let me listen to your baby” and reached for the Doppler. I’m only 11 weeks so I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t hear a heartbeat with the Doppler. None of my babies could be heard with Doppler until after 12 weeks and I wasn’t concerned. She said, “I’m just going to grab the ultrasound and we will look at the heartbeat.” 
She had her nurse bring the machine in and started the external sonogram. She didn’t say much at first and then said “I think we are gonna do internal sonogram because I can’t see the heartbeat.” I still wasn’t as concerned. I only thought, “leave it to our last baby to force us to look at him/her with an internal sonogram at 11 weeks.” There was the fleeting thought of simple biology. The fact that a baby at 11 weeks gestation should be clearly visible with an external sonogram. And the heartbeat should be also. 

She started the internal sonogram and I could clearly see my baby. With no heartbeat. She said the words my head was screaming “There’s no heartbeat. I’m sorry. I can’t find a heartbeat.” 

In the moment, there’s shock, anger, sadness, devastation, confusion all flooding in while the tears are flooding out. I see her measure my baby and say “Yeah, measuring 9 weeks 3 days….” And I know I’m 11 weeks. I know the cold fact is my baby has died. 

She asked if I wanted her to get my OB and have her do a second look to see if she can find the heartbeat. I’ve seen tons of sonograms and I know the futility of my “please.” I can’t help but hope. Perhaps the new doctor is inept. Perhaps …

My OB came in and did the sonogram. The results were the same. No heartbeat. “See the circle with the line in it here? That’s the heart. It should be beating. The baby is perfectly formed if you were supposed to be 9 weeks. There’s just no heartbeat.”

I cried. A lot. My OB rubbed my back and, honestly, spoke a lot of words I don’t remember. I know she tried to comfort me. 

“Genetic abnormality”

“Not your fault”

“Come back Monday and we will do another ultrasound to make sure nothing’s changed.”

So, this is my new reality. I’m still pregnant. I’m still carrying my baby who died 2 weeks ago and I’m devastated. 

Our new addition. 

I realized that I never updated with our news. We are expecting baby #6. We are all THRILLED. The kids are determined that this is the little sister they’ve all been waiting on. However, I’m not entirely sure. The odds aren’t in our favor in the girl department. 

I’m due at the end of January so, since we typically have snow in January, I’m a tad nervous about the whole going into labor thing. 

We had a sonogram at my 6 week apptmt and everything looks great. I was able to see and hear the baby’s heartbeat during the sonogram. It never ceases to amaze me to see new life!! I wonder who you will be, little one, and can’t wait to hold you!!! You are loved so much already!


All of The Crazies are addicted to Legos. Even our 10 month old loves to sit at the Lego table and play. I find myself watching them and making sure the two littles haven’t put Legos in their mouths. I ASSUME that the big kids know better. 

I assume incorrectly. I was awakened at 4:30 am today by our almost 5 year old son yelling, “DADDY!!” When my husband got to him, he explained that he had swallowed a Lego. :( Of course, my Mama brain worried for the rest of the morning. 

Then, I saw this video this morning. Good stuff.